almost december.

I’m home again. it’s rather surreal to be sitting on the couch in my living room. everyone’s home this week. I swear Zoe’s taller. Jared and Becky are here with Adeline, who’s significantly more chubby than she was when I saw her last. Hannah’s at home again; this week we’re both sleeping in Charis and Zoe’s room (sleeping arrangements get a little interesting when there’s a large influx of people). And her boyfriend, Chris, is coming in tonight.
I had prepared myself all year long to not come home for thanksgiving; I was planning on going to Maine to visit my grampa. then miraculously Jared got time off work and mom and dad were able to get me a one-way ticket and everything worked out. I flew in this morning and I’m driving back with Jared and Becky on Saturday. so short. but I’m home.

2008 has been a very strange year for me. I experienced some of the deepest loneliness I’ve dealt with in my life; I experienced the cathartic effect of honesty and openness and how amazing it is to have real community. I learned again how frightening and painful it can be to allow yourself to care for someone else. I had times of intense closeness with God, and I had times in which I’d never felt farther away.
the never-feeling-farther-away lasted basically, in varying degrees, from July until now.
in a way I don’t even feel like I can really talk about this now. I’m still in a strange place spiritually. I’ve been searching for a center again; I know there is an element in my life that is missing, but I haven’t been able to move myself back to where I need to be. being here is reassuring to me.
it’s almost like the fact that I was able to come home — despite thinking I wouldn’t be able to make it — is a foreshadowing. I will be able to find my center again. I will be able to come home. and it will be soon.

in going through a journal

I found this. written 5/12/2008.

I am just trying to deal with it all.
Somewhere I got the idea that I’m in this alone.
Somewhere, I got the idea
that keeping my head above water
was the point.
So I survive
by the skin of my teeth,
but really by grace;
and as I examine this life, and question:
what went wrong?
I realize
I am not really living.

I know there’ve been a lot of pictures lately…

but check out my hair. it’s so long now.

especially compared to august.

a couple of weeks ago I turned in the longest paper I’ve ever written. a comparison/contrast of Seneca’s Oedipus and Shakespeare’s Macbeth. as soon as I turned it in I began to fear that it had some fatal flaw. especially given what I’ve heard about this professor’s grading.

I got it back today: A minus. I’ve never been so happy to see an A minus.

I’ve been struggilng a lot lately to keep up with my homework, due largely to bad time management but also due to the fact that I finally got a job so I’ve had even less time. that grade was just a little affirmation that yes, I am capable of doing this.

that’s all for now.

these days….

this is what I’m doing.

so. much. reading.

dear santa,

I want this dress to wear in springtime.

by Celine.

I’ll wear it with dainty flats on walks to the park, or with really cute sandals on a date, and it will make me feel very, very pretty.
I can dream, right?

politics are so much fun.

so I’ve had a lot of people ask me about my political views. I’ve had a lot of people criticize me for them, and act shocked that I would actually vote for Obama. for some time I’ve considered writing about it, but not really had the energy or motivation to do so. but in the last couple of weeks I’ve watched all kinds of interviews with Sarah Palin, read articles about her history, watched the presidential debate, and sent off for my absentee ballot. as a result I have politics on the brain, so I might as well talk about it.

I’ve not been a big McCain fan from the outset of his campaign. for one thing, he’s voted twice against expanding hate crimes definitions to include sexual orientation. he’s been in support of the Iraq war from the get-go, and I disagree with his foreign policy in general. (ontheissues.org is a good place to look at his voting record, and his website has his statements as well.) because I don’t hold very strongly with Republican ideals in general, I wouldn’t be his biggest fan, but the biggest kicker is the war. add to that his age and health history, and it makes me even more wary. (no, it isn’t ageism. it’s realizing that he would be the oldest president to begin a first term.) which brings into play why Sarah Palin is also a big factor.

let me just clear up any doubts you might be having: I don’t like Sarah Palin. first and foremost, she’s too conservative for me. but regardless of your political affiliations, I would recommend doing a little investigation on her before you vote for McCain.

first, a little look at her attendance record.
“Palin has spent little time in Juneau, rarely coming to the state capital except when the Legislature was in session, and sometimes not even then. During a recent special session called by Palin herself, she faced criticism from several legislators for not showing up personally to push for her agenda. Someone at the Capitol even printed up buttons asking, ‘Where’s Sarah?’”

secondly, this whole “bridge to nowhere” business.
“Last year, Palin announced she was stopping state work on the controversial project, earning her admirers from earmark critics and budget hawks from around the nation. The move also thrust her into the spotlight as a reform-minded newcomer.
“The state, however, never gave back any of the money that was originally earmarked for the Gravina Island bridge, said Weinstein and Elerding.”

and my third, final, and largest beef with Sarah Palin? the woman doesn’t seem to know what she’s talking about.
look up her interviews. say what you will about liberal media editing — these aren’t soundbyte answers. for example, from the transcript of her interview with Charlie Gibson:
GIBSON: “Do you agree with the Bush doctrine?”
PALIN: “In what respect, Charlie?”
GIBSON: “The Bush — well, what do you — what do you interpret it to be?”
PALIN: “His world view.”
GIBSON: “No, the Bush doctrine, enunciated September 2002, before the Iraq war.”
(transcript here.)
even though he told her what he meant by the Bush doctrine, her answer still didn’t address it — she proceeded to say that she agreed with what Bush has done militarily (the “war on terror,” I assume), not the idea that preemptive strikes are perfectly acceptable.
I suppose it could be argued that he was using “media elite” lingo, but honestly? if I’m not mistaken there are books about this stuff. or one could simply read a newspaper. I know what the Bush Doctrine is, and I’ve never been an elected official or taken a political science class. I don’t even follow current events as closely as I should. I would think that, as a mayor and then a governor and then a running-mate of a presidential candidate, one would be familiar with the policies of the current administration, particularly the policies one’s running mate agrees with.
just one example on the interview issue. you should really watch them all.
and though people gave her rave reviews after the debate, I really don’t feel she proved herself by any means. she didn’t have the same kind of trouble that she’s had in her interviews, but often she danced around the questions, either not answering them at all (just using ambiguous language with terms relating to the topic of the question) or changing the subject to something she knew about. I understand wanting to discuss subjects you’re familiar with, but she should be able to answer the questions asked regarding policy. for example…

IFFIL: “…You, Governor Palin, have said that you would like to see a real clear plan for an exit strategy. What should that be, Governor?”
PALIN: “I am very thankful that we do have a good plan and the surge and the counterinsurgency strategy in Iraq that has proven to work, I am thankful that that is part of the plan implemented under a great American hero, General Petraeus, and pushed hard by another great American, Senator John McCain.
“I know that the other ticket opposed this surge, in fact, even opposed funding for our troops in Iraq and Afghanistan. Barack Obama voted against funding troops there after promising that he would not do so.
“And Senator Biden, I respected you when you called him out on that. You said that his vote was political and you said it would cost lives. And Barack Obama at first said he would not do that. He turned around under political pressure and he voted against funding the troops. We do have a plan for withdrawal. We don’t need early withdrawal out of Iraq. We cannot afford to lose there or we’re going to be no better off in the war in Afghanistan either. We have got to win in Iraq.
“And with the surge that has worked we’re now down to presurge numbers in Iraq. That’s where we can be. We can start putting more troops in Afghanistan as we also work with our NATO allies who are there strengthening us and we need to grow our military. We cannot afford to lose against al Qaeda and the Shia extremists who are still there, still fighting us, but we’re getting closer and closer to victory. And it would be a travesty if we quit now in Iraq.”

again, the question was what the exit strategy should be. and the answer? … we can’t lose. we have to win. and Barack Obama is bad because he voted against a bill for funding the troops — though he already explained last week that he voted against that bill because there was no timeline for withdrawal. and he pointed at, as I’m sure you all know, that McCain was opposed to (though he wasn’t present for the vote) a bill for funding the troops which did contain a timeline. politics are so much fun.

obviously, I’ve listed more issues with Palin than I have with McCain, which theoretically is backwards — since the presidential candidate is more important, right? but the truth of the matter is, the fact that John McCain picked this woman as his running mate scares me. it was a total marketing move in attempt to appeal to more conservative religious voters and women. I understand, theoretically, the motivation. but really, was there no one else? the idea that this woman could be the commander in chief of our military gives me the creeps. and that’s a fact.

and if you’re wondering, this week’s SNL debate skit was great.

I may post more later on why I’m voting for Obama, since the anti-McCain/Palin explanation got rather lengthy. for now, however, that’s a pretty good starting ground on why I’m voting Democrat this election.

my brother’s handwriting is more like chicken scratch.

today:
“that is not your handwriting.”
“actually, it is.”
“but it’s so nice.”

I am an exception among the offspring of my parents (in the are of handwriting, that is). I got mom’s genes on that one; sorry, Jared.
comes in handy when you want to read your own notes.

because I like to look at clothes.

DISCLAIMER: I am not oblivious to the sky-high cost of designer clothes and the sometimes impractical turns taken by high fashion. however, as someone fascinated by line and shape (and someone who has fun picking out clothes), I still greatly enjoy looking at the runway shows. which is why I am posting these pictures. and there are probably more to come. just sayin’.

both of those are from Badgley Mischka… I love dresses.

Anna Sui. again with my love of dresses.

BCBG Max Azria. not actually sure it would look good on me, but I like it in theory.

no really, I am learning something.

so this is what I’ve been doing in my free time, and by free time I mean time when I should be working on my paper for roots of political theory but don’t feel like it:

pour le piano toccata

I’m teaching myself a new song. Debussy’s Pour Le Piano (III Toccata).
for the past six years or so I’ve had this giant binder containing the collected works of Claude Debussy (I learned three pieces in high school, but I’ve never really touched the rest of them). when I came to school I didn’t even think to bring any music with me, so about a week in I asked my mom to send me some — and she sent me the Debussy binder. unfortunately, the three pieces I do know aren’t actually in the binder (my fault; I put them in a smaller binder a while ago), so I was stuck with no music that I could play with ease. but since I’ve been itching to play piano, I decided to teach myself something new.
it probably doesn’t sound like that big a deal, learning a new song; and as you pianists will be able to tell by looking at the music, the difficulty level’s not that high. but since it’s been over two years since I learned a new classical piece, it’s kind of a big deal for me. the thing is ten or so pages long, but I just pulled out the first three to get a handle on first, so as not to get overwhelmed. it’s going well so far.
it’s strange to be learning something again. I will at times get frustrated with myself for having to pause and figure out the notes. I’ll get to the end of my three pages and want to play the rest of the song, but then remind myself that I need to really learn this chunk first (luckily, I left the rest of it in my room, so it’s not as tempting as it could be). I had forgotten how it feels to be excited about learning a new song. I’ve already practiced three times, and I want to go back tonight after dinner and work on it some more. I miss being good at piano.

friday, 1:25-2:40

in literature class
I am sitting, pretending to pay attention.
but my eyes are raw from lack of sleep
and I am fueled solely by coffee and diet coke –
neither of these things being conducive to
keeping track of our rambling, Shakespeare-obsessed professor.
he is talking about
how Shakespeare understood real love–
all of its nuances, joys and imperfections–
and I don’t want to hear it today.